Friday was here again. Just like last Friday, and last last Friday, I dragged my feet towards the waiting kitchen van. Adam was grinning at the rear side of the Kitchen van. I also noticed Kathy whom was waving at me with a warm smile on her face. I must be one of the earliest to arrive again, today.
"Hey girl Why do you look so gloomy today Cheer up now Get you packed lunch sweet pie" As energetic as ever I thought, I grinned back to Adam.
Adam was my teacher, as well as our student-adviser for Global Education service, which I had joined as a part of the compulsory module of studying in Redbrick College. Not too long after I settled� myself in the kitchen van, munching the cold sandwich of tuna� and my favorite cheese and onions Walkers crisps, another bunch of my teammates in this service arrived.� Shishily, a girl from Gambia sat next to me. We exchanged grins.
"Another chemistry class huh? Man, I love chemistry, but I love not being in that chemistry class." She sighed. Shishily and I had both been assigned to help mentoring the student in a chemistry class in Sumwhere Secondary School. I understood perfectly what she was saying. Both of us feel that we have not been of much use in the school.
Personally to me, I felt something more than just that.
No longer than ten minutes, both of us already arrived at the class. What greeted me first was sceptical glances from the young teacher that was in-charge of the class. I returned a smile instead. But somehow I felt like my strength was being eaten away by the atmosphere in the class.
I did what I would normally do. Helping the students who needed help with their tutorial sheet.
"Sophie, can you please help me with this questions?" Occasionally a student would request one of us to help them. I helped the student with some of the question. O-Level Chemistry was definitely much easier than I used to thought back then. During my school time, I found that Chemistry was one of the subject that I needed to struggle more. But now, when I looked back at the syllabus it does not seemed as hard as I used to imagined.�
As I was helping one of the students, I glanced at the boy who next sat to him. He sat there preoccupied. However, not to the tutorial sheet that was given, instead he was sketching something else on the paper.
"Do you need help?" I smiled encouragingly.
He looked up, startled at first. "Erm, not really."� I caught a glimpse of the sketch on the paper. A picture of an airplane that was hitting the ground. My heart skipped a bit. What was written on the top of the airplane was the reason that I shaken for a bit.
"For Allah."
What a sinister statement that was.
My draining strength felt completely drained.And my eyes, felt hot and moisturized.
I smiled as best as I managed to. "If so then, I will leave you trying to solve the question in this tutorial sheet, okay?" I left the two students.
The two hours of class mentoring felt even longer than just two hours.
That late afternoon, as I reached my room, I throw myself onto the bed. This was not the first time having to vulnerably face Islamophobic. And usually I would be able to shake the thoughts of off my mind. But today, it felt extraordinarily heavy. Perhaps because I had not been able to talk to akhwati, silently I tried to reason myself.
I grabbed my mobile phones and started scrolling down all the contacts number that were stored in my mobile phones. I tried to call each number one by one, but to no avail. It is expectable, I assured myself. Because they probably have lectures or classes now.
Well, it is alright, I told myself again. Tonight we will have another online kuliah. I forced a smile onto my tired face. The eyes felt as hot and moisturized as they were this afternoon. Soon I fell asleep, unaware of the pearly tears that was rolling down my cheeks.
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That night, I sat on my bed with my laptop on. Everything was set alright, just waiting for the online kuliah. But His plan would always override mine. That night, as I tried to log into my Yahoo Messenger, the server refused. I tried for an hour or so. But to no avail. I glanced at the digital clock on my mobile phone. I took a deep breath. Letapos;s stop this. I told myself. No use trying to log in anyway, because the kuliah must be over by now. I turned my laptop off.
Absent-mindedly, I took my jacket and go out of my room into the darkness of Redbrick Collegeapos;s ground. I had not have a slightest idea as where I was heading to. I just wanted to be out of my room. As I walked passed a group of my college-mate, I could smell the sour-bitter smell of arak. My imaan said to leave as fast as I could, but my feet brought me to my college-mate instead. After exchanging Hi and How are you, I left. Again to nowhere. I went to the computer lab in the Academic Building.
Not many people was there anyway. Because it was Friday Night. Why would anyone spend their time in front of a computer on Friday Night. Heaven, no
Bram was there though. I logged into the computer and search randomly online. Lost my aims and destination, I wandered around on the net. Bram and I conversed occasionally over the almost empty Computer Lab.
Then, an akh came from the outside. Apparently he was just finished with the kuliah online too.
"You were not online today. Why not?" He said.
"I have a reason for it." I decided not to explained the reason. I wanted to end the conversation about this.
He seemed to feel slightly offended with my attitude. He stood up and headed towards the door. "You know what, sometimes you need to sacrifice your time too." Then he left with no more word.
I silently continued wandering on the net, though my heart was protesting. I wanted to tell him that it was not like I do not want to attend the kuliah online, but I was unable to, the server do not allow me to log in. And I tried until the end of the time... Too.
As the clock showed 2200 on my mobile phone, I packed my stuff and headed to my house, which is up the small hill of M1. My mind seemed to be filled with random thoughts. His words, even though I know it was not a fair remark, seemed to disturb me. I lamented.
It was extraordinarily windy that night. The branches and twigs of a huge tree that was planted next to the end side of the M1 seemed to be dangerously dancing in the dark windy night. Suddenly fear struck deep into my heart. What if a huge branches fall upon me tonight, as I passed the tree? Would I die tonight, or would I be in agony for weeks after? Suddenly the thought of dying scared me.
Feeling that my dosa had been piling up more and more and more since the last two years. And feeling that my pahala was not even of the weight of a zarah.
It reminded me of the tazkir from al-Furqan, about how those who refuse to believe in Allah felt so scared upon the approaching death. And here I was, trembling with the same fear. Or... Was I nothing more than the same unprepared human being that refuse to believe in Him? Had not my attitude been any different. My piles of dosa... Perhaps I was nothing different then.
I stood gazing upon the huge tree. I felt as if it was scolding me. Again, tears rolled down real fast this time. Back then, when I gazed upon waving trees, I would found a compassionate feeling whispering into my hearts. But now, all I could feel is anger and scolds. Perhaps, I had truly been so far from the right path these days.
I dragged my feet for the second time today. It felt heavy to walk under the scolding tree, even heavier than walking towards a misunderstood society. Perhaps.. It was my sin that was weighting my feet down to the ground.
Forgive me, was the only thought that I had in mind.
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